Suddenly I see

You've been in my dreams latley. Everytime I dream that you're back, I wake up happy to call you, but then realize you left us four years ago.

It's selfish of me, wanting you back for my own sake. There are so many things I wanna tell you now when four years has passed since I heard your voice for the last time.
You've been in my dreams and thoughts lately. Maybe because it was at this time of the year that we lost you. I try so hard to listen to other peoples talk about their fathers. When they happily leave the work or school to go out for lunch with their fathers. While I sit here, wishing that you never died. That you would come back, calling me and telling, "let's have lunch together".

Babayi if you were here, I would invite you to my apartment. I would tell all of my friends come and meet you. Cause how much I tell them how wonderful you were, it's not enough. No one can ever understand. Ever. The difference between you and all the other fathers in the world.

I tell people about you. I tell people you passed away and trying to make myself believe that this is what life is about. You will loose the closest people and then they will loose you. This is what this fucked life is all about.

It's been so long since I cried this way. But I miss you so much Babayi. You have no idea. I feel so broken right now. If I only could call you now and hear your voice. Babayi, why did you have to leave us?

<3

Mad World

Obama got the Noble Peace price. I'm speechless. The whole Obama-thing from the beginning seemed like a big joke to me. Or just some kind of opium for people to shut the hell up and don't complain.

That price has been and will always be a surreal joke. I mean, none of the people who've won anything done a shit for peace.
Sure I can understand that Shirin Ebadi got it. Being a woman in Iran and fight to have a voice under those circumstances is very big and respectful. But still, peace price for that? Do I see democracy in Iran right now?? Or in USA for that matter? Do you call this democracy?

Shouldn't people like the guy in green or anyone else who was there and stood for his/her rights have that price?

Need some help for real!

There is something weird about me. Which I'm a bit worried about. You should also be. Recently I've come to realize that I have a weak heart.
You see, I study Film Science so basically I'm in touch with a lot of movie nerds and competent people within that area. Lot of them are off course big fans of splash movies with lot of violence, blood and sharp & shiny material to kill with. All of them including my old grandmother have the heart and the nerves to watch this kind of garbage. Not only that, some of them (Right now I'm talking about some people in general and not only the ones in my class) can actually enjoy it.

I've tried in my whole life to watch that kind of movie. And you know what, I HAVE ALWAYS AVOIDED TO WATCH KILL BILL! Just because of that fact. Or you can call it fear or that I suspect that my heart is working with batteries. Now, don't you dare come to me and say that the violence which is used in Kill Bill is not that bad. Fuck you! It is! I've seen part of it and my heart can't handle it so don't. Just....don't...!

Now there is another funny part. Or should I say sad....?!
I was watching a Swedish TV serial on the other night while lying on the bed, trying to sleep and the shit was totally gray and looked like it was made in 80's. It looked really boring so I thought, "great I'm gonna sleep to that one". Suddenly it became very very exiting. There was this guy who broke in to someones house in the middle of night and the whole shit was about this girl and her little brother who tried to escape this guy. It was nothing special for a normal person but fucking intensive for my heart and soul. At the end, the motherfucker thief, kidnapped the little brother and I couldn't sleep.

Despite the fact that I love fiction and also DO fiction myself, I couldn't stop thinking about what was going to happen to that little boy. WHAT THE FUCK????? I tried to convince myself that, it was just a stupid TV serial. Get over it bitch. It didn't work. I was scarred for life!

Please somebody tell me how I can learn to watch fiction and fake blood without thinking it's real???? It makes me sick, nervous and I wanna throw up! HELP ME!

?

Eeh... excuse me but who the fuck cares?????

Aha??

Food and stomach are some fascinating parts of our lives. We gotta fill this stomach, otherwise it becomes very hard for us to go through the day.

Yesterday I decided to finally get started with my studies. I opened the book, sat on the bed and started to read. The shit was pretty interesting with the fact that I could relate the whole subject with the project I'm working on with some friends. Suddenly my dear stomach started to make noises. I started to think. "When did I eat?". Well it was just two ours ago. So what's up with the noises? No answer. I moved on with reading but my stomach started to scream. I stroked my stomach and told it to relax and be quiet. It didn't listen. And before I could think of anything I was standing in the kitchen, making some motherfucking meal for this complaining son of a bitch. And without noticing, I wasted two of my precious hours, making this stomach satisfied. I had one hour to go and after that I was going out for a meeting. I put my ass on the bed once again and tried to read. I had promised myself to get done with 30 pages. I was only on the halfway where I understood that I had to run to the meeting.

Anyway, I'm still late with my studies because of the whole annoying process of making food and force your stomach to give a fucking smile instead of complaining. For me, becomes food interesting when I'm not the one wasting time on it. Maybe an amazing chef or whoever the fuck but not me.

I usually loose my inspiration to hobbies like music or film when someone forces me to do it. I suddenly don't wanna do it just because I have a deadline or I've been told to do it. It's the same thing with food. When I have to do it just to get rid of the hunger, it's not fun anymore.

Food is and will be a fucking waste of time what so ever. I remember those four days of my life drinking this shit and doing whatever the hell I wanted to do. Worth to mention that I felt hungry all the time when I drank that disgusting shit. I challenge some researcher to come up with some pills you can eat instead of food and never feel hungry. I'm sure they exist but where the hell can I find them? I'm loosing some time here and that stresses me out! For the love of GoooD please!


¤Observation: There is nothing anorectic about this. What I mean is the whole process of making the shit that wastes my time. Period.

And the story never ends

No one does give a shit but I feel like I wanna explain the fact that I call this "my tiny bubble".

You see, we all have our own bunch of people we feel comfortable with. Sometimes we manage to make these groups bigger and realize how many people there are in this world who come along with you very well. (not always very well despite the opinions though but usually).
So I figured that I can very easily loose myself by being with these sweet people. And that can damage me by brainwashing me in a way that I go around being sure that all the people are as beautiful as my friends are. Then suddenly someone gives you a tasty slap on your face which you will feel in several weeks to come.

I can explain that someone for you, He/She is:

- A homophobic person.
- A fanatical muslim. (You can find an observation about this below all the other shit)
- A false person.
- A man who look down on you when you talk openly about sex as a woman.
- A women who look down on you when you talk openly about sex as a woman.
- A racist.


That's it. There are many people I can't stand but who am I to judge? People living their life as they do. I don't decide. I have this tiny bubble which usually welcome any kind of person in it. We can talk, we can chat and if it becomes too dramatic we just move on with our own bubbles.
But the groups I mentioned are the ones I've shared some sort of conversations with. And these are the ones who make me realize that I'm living as blind as they do. In my bubble there is no such a thing as sexual orientation. Cause you could never define sexuality based on only a dick or a pussy. For me it's about attraction and personality.
And a homophobic person find homosexuality a sickness in his/her bubble. This person make me sick as much as I make her/him sick. So it's 50/50!

So this was the fairy tail behind my new green blog! Don't forget the observation downstairs and don't forget to brush your teeth before you go to bed. Kizz




¤Observe that it is Islam I mean and not any other religion. Cause in my life, which is also my tiny bubble I've only met fanatical muslims who've been trying to change my way of living. And there are two types of them: 1- The one who didn't give a shit about religion before 1979 but after 1979 (the Islamic revolution in Iran) he/she HAD to lick ass to survive. By that I mean some Iranians inside Iran and some off course outside who might work at the embassies and shitplaces like that. By calling themselves muslims they can give each of their children one car, Iphone and a macbook. 2- The one who comes from an arab country and hate you because you are iranian and don't accept Islam the way they do. They wanna change you because they can't stand the fact that you didn't fall for their bullshit like they did. And dear friends I'm not talking about every "arab" in this case. Only the one who behaves this way.

Baba to dige ki hasti!!!

The party on saturday was like I expected to be! Perfect! I hope everyone had fun cause I had a great time! Thank lord my iranians listen to good music and not the kind of music the typical swedish-iranians listen to. So my friend Pooya put on these guys which I've never heard before but became interested in. Cool guys!




PS: I'm trying to transfer some pictures from the party from my camera to my computer but it seems like they both are sick now. I think they've had their good days and now I have to move on without them or get myself new ones. Too bad all of my pockets are empty. Still.

Am I free or tied up?

Iranians started use masks at the demonstrations to not being recognized by the goverment. I believe that became a trend because even this band is doing the same. We Iranians are so fashion right now!! (Picture: Miike Snow)

My interest for music has been on a very low level lately. I don't even use my ipod anymore. (Needles to say that I don't even own an ipod. I own an old mp3-player that I'm ashamed to mention).

But you know it always comes something good out of something bad. ( I don't know about the situation in Iran though, it feels like it gets worse and worse but anyway, I have to close this now).
What I'm trying to say is that when Last.fm decided to rob us, suddenly God decided to sent us Spotify and world became a less abstract place to be in. (The situation in Iran was and is still the same. Even worse. Did I say it?)

Anyway, I've discovered lots of good shit on Spoti. And recently, despite the music drought I've found a new obsession that I can't get enough of. You can listen to one example here and enjoy the tunes, video and the words.

...one more time

picture by Sanna Skerdén

I wish I was a smart ass so that I could bring up some political or social subjects and create a debate here. Too bad, that's one talent I don't have.

I'm gonna share my days with you which will feel pretty weird. I can't really start the text like this "today I did this and that". It feels totaly weird. Just fucked up. But I will give it a shot anyway cause sometime I loooove writing down my own bullshit. You have no idea.

So today was basically very empty. Or kinda. I tried to use the wax. I burned myself. Hurt myself and nothing disappeared cause honestly I've always thought that I have lot of hair but I've been waiting in two weeks for them to grow and nothing! Ok, off course there is something but I can't really see it. It's light! I'm a fucking iranian! How can the hair on my body be light?
Anyway, enough with unnecessarily bullshit that will lead to nothing. So basically it wasted my precious time.

Then I met up some of my Iranis and we discussed our project. I can just say : It's gonna be alright. I'm sure. Cause it never does anyway.

Now I think I gotta force myself do this work out-shit despite the pain it causes me. I can do it! I know it! I gotta get rid of the fat. Sez!

Enchanted by this one